Sunday, August 06, 2006
[Random.]
[Random.]
Sigh.
So stressed.
Yet so bored.
Why.
I tell you why.
Stressed because of ELDDS. I'm beginning to doubt my abilities as a leader. I'm beginning to see how much of a pushover I am. I beginning to see how people could see my weakness and put this to their advantage, how people realise they need not acknowledge my existence. I'm beginning to wonder, is it my fault or their fault? And I become defensive. I'm so afraid all this stress will morph me into a monster, a beast so heartless it will behead anyone who provokes me.
But now, I'm a punchbag. People push me, shove me, kick me, hurt me, but I'm merely a punchbag who only makes noises when being hit, but does not defend herself. I let myself be bullied. I let myself get hurt and not do anything else except hope the scars will heal by itself.
I lack wood. I bend down easily and listen to others.
Bored because my life is a routine. Everyday the same things, the same FRUSTRATING things, happen all the time. It's almost like suffering from deja vu's of the same nightmare.
Is boring nightmarish?
Boredom scares me.
I want something nice and random to happen to me.
That's all.
[fangying] [9:29 PM]
