| [AИTHRACITE DESIGИS IИC] | [THE UИFATHOMABLE LAMER]

Thursday, November 15, 2007
[Dear Uncles and Aunties]

ORREADY

[fangying] [4:19 PM]

Tuesday, May 29, 2007
[New Blogskin! Like after many many millenia.]

I know.

It's been a long time.

But I really don't have the strength to blog so much anymore.

My life's become a bit of a bore... and very much a chore.

I really wish someone will put me in a time machine and whisk me away to another time or era where I don't have to deal with this life... but reality beckons.

As for the inspiration for this blogskin... well it's more of the picture that strikes me.

I came home just around sundown, and the sun just went down right behind the clouds. I was attracted by the rays of sunlight and felt that it was too good a picture to miss. So I snapped.

By the way, I got Linkin Park's new album, Minutes to Midnight.

And honestly speaking, it's kinda disappointing if you've been a fan, but if you haven't, then Linkin Park might well be just another band. It takes much listening to get used to.

And now, I officially classify Linkin Park as "Easy Listening" instead of "Nu-Metal/Rapcore".

[fangying] [7:40 PM]

Saturday, April 21, 2007
[The Phantom of the Opera]

That's one lifetime wish Phulphilled!

The Phantom of the Opera was Phantastic!!

If I could I'd watch it again.

My Phavourite part was... oh well, ePherything!

*Phaints Phrom Phantomness*

[fangying] [3:46 PM]

Tuesday, March 20, 2007
[Something Special.]

YIPPEE!! First time I actually hit 100 posts in any online journal.

Oh well. March holidays was a good week. Save for the constant lecture from my parents and brothers to study for O Levels.

First of all, THE SLEEPOVER.

It was my first (with friends) and my best.

Before the sleepover even started it was already a blast.

We found a rabbit! Someone abandoned it. We decided to take it home and give it shelter and food and hopefully a nice home, since it's so heartless of its previous owner to dump it there. (We know, because the field it was at was next to a carpark and there was only one cardboard box on the entire field. How convenient, put the poor thing in a box, drive up to the lot, put the box there and scram.)

But it wasn't easy.

It took us 30 to 45 minutes and help from a kind uncle to put the rabbit back in the box to bring it home.

And she's SO DAMN CUTE.

We christened her Foamy... for possessing the punky defiant attitude of her namesake in Foamy and Friends. She's so spoiled, she wouldn't eat the stalks of the vegetables, and only wants Clarice to feed her! Spoiled brat!

And she has this pretty tuft of hair between her ears, like a mohawk!

White with black patches. SO CUTE.

And my iPod's fixed. Yay.

So yep, it was a good holiday, my only regret is that...

IT'S TOO SHORT!!!! T_T

[fangying] [9:19 PM]

Monday, March 12, 2007
[On The Menu...]

Zero Sugar, Lots and Lots of Spice, Top it off with a Cappuccino that Makes Everything Nice.

Breakfast - Erm... can't remember.

Brunch - GRANDE SOY CAPPUCCINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The baristas recognise me.

Lunch - Arrabiata at Pastamania. Chilli padi pasta, with chilli flakes, pepper and Tabasco for kicks.

Second Lunch - Kimchi ramen. Sour and spicy!

Dinner - Drizzled my entire bowl of rice with chilli padi soy sauce, and dipped almost every single damn thing into the heavenly concoction.

Aww yeah. All this spicy stuff's giving me the kicks! YEAH!

What's next, wasabi peas and Thai tom yam? Bring it on, man.

[fangying] [8:22 PM]

Wednesday, March 07, 2007
[iPod Woes A.K.A More Brat Alerts]

Shit, I'm really turning into a brat!

Okay, if you don't like brats, close the browser and focus somewhere else.

If you're a nosey parker who likes to poke your nose into everything, here goes.

Today is my all-gadgets-and-computers-screw-up-day.

Every gadget I touch seems to die immediately, unless they are brand new.

My iPod, for example.

I sent it for battery replacement on sunday, and today it's finally done. The guy warned me to charge for ten hours before first use.

Being stupid, impatient and stupid (I know I said "stupid" twice), I decided to use it anyway... and the thing became damn screwed up. It skipped tracks like crazy, like a speedometer gone out of control.

So I heeded my friend's advice and tried to reset my iPod. Turns out her method was the iPod Nano procedure, and it screwed up my 4th generation iPod.

And there's no way I can ressurrect it for sure, except send it for repairs. And waste more money.

Or charge it to the fullest, connect it to iTunes and restore it.

Which may backfire because now iTunes can't even read the damn thing.

"Damn bang balls, sial."

On a happier note, I realised that my new Audiostation is not restricted to iPods only. With the audio out cable, I can use it for my discman too! It's just a little hard on the discman's battery, but my discman's battery is so much easier to replace!

Not like the old, screwed up iPod. $89 and three fucking days and it's still fucked up anyway.

So now, I don't know if it would've been better if my dad heeded my advice and just buy a new iPod, instead of having to go through another (possibly) hundred over bucks to fix this old bitch of an iPod.

And my computer. Oh god. It lags really badly. It took me really long to be able to make a post and sign in to talk to people. Never mind that I have to go through the painful process of waiting for this other old bitch to start up just so I can finish the script and make neccessary changes to the script and this blog.

Sigh. And my parents. I don't know if we can even be like the way it was last time. I feel so stressed but they're helping so much by pushing me even more. And I'm the kind to just give up when put under more stress than neccessary. It's bad enough that even my friends tell me, "You're not stupid, you're just not hardworking", it's bad enough that my own younger cousins are telling me to "go JC because it's safer", it's bad enough to have to do so much work just to earn my right to sit for the O Levels. I don't know why they just have to put so much pressure on me. Even my brothers put pressure on me. Sometimes I feel like crying when I see all the homework I decided to owe but it's really too difficult for me to face them, it's so much easier to just let everything pile up and let the people around me explode at my face. And perhaps stun them when they realise I could come out of the exam hall alive and with my skin intact. Sometimes it's so fun to run away and see all the demerit points accumulate, you really want to push the limits and see if not doing homework can eventually lead to your expulsion.

Actually I've already busted this myth last year. I didn't hand in Higher Chinese, Amaths, Emaths, Biology, Chemistry, History and Social Studies homework for about seven months last year... and I'm still wearing the green skirt, ain't I? Maybe I'm just lucky. Maybe teachers will now think I'm bound for failure so they'll give up and move to a new target. And then I'll be free of all the stress and free to work in peace, not work to appease the teachers and the people around me who expect decency from me. I thought my parents were observant enough to realise that I never rise to expectations. But it seems like that's what they want, a perfect six-pointer heading off for some elitist academy, with a future all planned out to become Singapore's most succesful CEO or whatever.

And I'm going to turn out just exactly the opposite.

PSLE, they thought I could make it to Nanyang Girls' High. See what I gave them?

Dance, they thought I could stay trim and fit this way. I decided to quit dance and grew fat instead.

And now drama. Maybe I could be the next Fann Wong. Seems like they were damn disappointed when they realised I decided to head off in the direction of film, sound and video instead. To them, it's "Why give up a pathway to possible stardom for some shit work like carrying others' equipment and buying coffee for the directors?"

But I've had enough of the stereotypical nature of drama. I've had enough of having to maintain an appearance. I've had enough of my own acting skills, which I now think are very mechanical and robotic, and I just want to reassure myself that I'm more than that. I want to reassure myself that I am capable of expression, not just through my face and actions but also through different media and different forms of art. Actually I don't even know if I want to take part in SYF this year, or be involved in my CCA at all. But I have to. It's too late to back out. I have to take the bull by its horns.

OH GOD I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

Rant over. People who feel like flaming me for brattiness, go ahead, my tagboard is free.

[fangying] [11:23 PM]

Friday, February 16, 2007
[About Fighting for Five Times Ten Dollars and Temperaments.]

This is so sickening.

It's rare for me to actually complain about my parents, but sometimes they can really get on my nerves.

*BRAT ALERT: People who can't stand angst, fuck off.*

Yesterday I had an argument with my mum.

Over MONEY.

$50 to be exact. And it's not like I was the one who wanted to pick a fight.

I mean, does she expect me to survive on $10?!! Mind you I have no NETS or ATM cards or Cashcard, all I always have when you ask me out is ten bucks or less and an EZ-link card.

So I debated that sometimes I do see things that I really wanna buy, and I've seen it three times and each time I'd get the same strong desire.

And she goes on to preach about how I should manage my finances and instead of getting soy capuccino I should just settle for an 80-cent kopi-o. And quotes an example on my brother who has to watch a movie every saturday night and has to get a large popcorn and coke from the cinema, and something else which he probably wouldn't finish even with the help of his girlfriend. And that I didn't need to depend on all these materialistic enjoyment because they are superficial and, quoting from Clarice, the "not-having-it-doesn't-make-you-naked" theory.

And with each sentence her voice just gets louder and louder. I know it ain't gonna work. At that instant I just knew. Anything that raises my parents' volume means it's not gonna work.

So I beat a hasty retreat and said, "Oh, never mind" and made my way to my room.

"Come back here!! We'll settle things once and for all. COME BACK! Just what exactly do you want?! What's the thesis of your argument?! What's your point? What do you want to tell me?!"

"NOTHING!!"

"No you have something to tell me. You do. You have something on your mind and you had better come clean now."

"Can we not talk about this now? It's pointless negotiating when you're angry."

"I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!!!! Tell me what's the main point."

And I tell her how I've had enough of having to put all my wishlists on hold, how I always see what I want hundreds of times, for as long as it's there and I try to ignore it, thinking that I will forget it when months or even years later it still haunts me, I still want it and I can't make it go away because it's such a strong desire, yet each time I see it I can't buy it and when I have money it's out of stock. I'm so frustrated of going out with ten bucks, I'm really no longer a kid where I can choose cheaper options and live with the cheap, kid-sized version of every damn thing. I'm sixteen. I've had enough of putting all my impulses on hold only to realise they won't go away even after a year or two.

"You've been bearing with it for sixteen years, I'VE BEEN BEARING WITH IT FOR 36 YEARS OKAY?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE MUST SCRIMP AND SAVE FOR YOU THREE AND YOUR FUTURES? DO YOU KNOW THAT FROM THE YEAR WE GOT MARRIED TILL THE TIME YOU WERE FIVE, FROM 1981 TILL 1996, WE'VE NEVER EVER BEEN FURTHUR THAN KL?! DO YOU KNOW FOR HOW MANY YEARS WE NEVER HAD MOVIES OR POPCORN OR ANY FORM OF ENTERTAINTMENT SO WE COULD HAVE THE MONEY TO BRING YOU GUYS UP?! ONLY TO REALISE THAT WE'RE LIKE COWS, WORKING DAY AND NIGHT JUST TO GIVE YOU MONEY TO WATCH MOVIES, DRINK COFFEE AND ENTERTAIN YOURSELVES!!"... all this, and everything else mentioned in the first round of argument.

That was really the last straw. I dumped my yoghurt cup and went upstairs to feel hateful and guilty and horrible and terrible and sad and lonely and pessimistic and self-destuctive all at the same time. I shut myself in my room and cried to make myself feel more human than the mechanic, made-up cheerful girl I've always been in front of people.

And no sooner have I felt human I hear the call of mechanism in the form of a loud abrupt knocking on the door and a somewhat angry but slightly more cheerful voice saying, "Open the door. Stop it. I know your pattern, okay."

And I tell her, trying not to sound like I had been emotional, "Just go do your other stuff. I don't like to talk when you're so agitated."

"I like to see you cry, cannot ah?"

Riiiiiiggghhtt. I'm cornered again.

Suddenly she's smiling again and handing me $50.

So I went through all this emotional trauma and dramatic tension (literally) to get $50. Only I have to report everything I buy. EVERYTHING, right down to the last cent.

So now I'm really confused. Is this freedom? Of course it is since I still do have freedom of thought and freedom of speech (and that's with freedom of violent objections and reactions). But do I have to go through all this trauma just to get what I want? Do I have to act like a spoilt brat just to fulfil my desires? Maybe it's somehow good that they do usually give in in the end but now the emotional roller-coaster ride is putting me off asking them for anything. Even questions that begin with "What do you think of......" must end in an argument and makes me not want to talk to them anymore since I don't like talking to people who are emotionally challenged. And requests often end in tears and more household laws. They're not even outrageous requests. Just $50 to buy a band tee, a guitar strap, a pair of arm warmers and a nice hot grande-sized soy capuccino from Starbucks.

Okaaaaaaaayyy I really sound like a big fat spoilt brat.

But what can I do? I get the feeling that I'm living in some Stalinist state.

[fangying] [9:57 PM]